Thursday, December 28, 2006

Quote from Martin Luther (the Reformer)

I found this passage to be highly encouraging from the old Reformer.

"Again I saw great, thick clouds roll above us, so heavy they looked like great seas, and I saw no ground on which they could rest nor any barrels to hold them and yet they fell not on us, but threatened us and floated on. When they passed by, the rainbow shone forth, the rainbow which was the floor that held them up...But some people look at the thickness of the clouds and the thinness of the ray, and they fear and worry. They would like to feel how strong the rainbow is, and when they cannot do so they think the clouds will bring another deluge."

What if...

...we all lived up to the person He desires us to be??? I've spent a lot of time reading biographies of Christians throughout history. My first thought used to be one of jealousy that these people had been blessed so much. Now I read of their lives and see each as the ordinary human that they are. BUT...they choose to do things that God asks them to do in spite of earthly common sense.
The Church would be mightily shaken if any generation could catch the vision (first as individuals, then corporately) of who He calls us to be. I look around at my church body that desperately is trying to come closer to its calling. But we the people keep wanting one pat answer that will get us all there in the same way.
My own struggle in the past has been feeling the need to do "safe" Christianity for the sake of my kids. Surely God needs them to see legalistic and scheduled belief so that they know who He is. Ha! This Christmas season was littered with us listening to God. I traveled to Thailand for 8 days by myself last week. I missed Ruth's birthday and she missed school. My kids were sent to the grandpartents house. And because of a freak Denver snow storm we almost didn't get home to Jason for Christmas. And yet:
-my kids were loved and adored by grandparents
-my daughter was thrown 3 separate b-day parties
-I learned to trust God that He's bigger than a standby list
-Jason learned that God is bigger than overbooked flights to snowed-in Denver
-my kids are great buddies since most things (excluding family) are so transient
Christmas had the correct focus of praise and awe of our amazing God because of the illogical (but Spirit-led) choice of sending me to Thailand.
Sisters and brothers let me tell you flying standby to Bangkok is a harrowing experience. I needed to make it onto 7 separate overbooked flights to make it there and back to Denver. God got me on EVERY SINGLE FLIGHT. Including a flight through Hawaii that had many holiday flyers. Praise God for who He is. I'm so overwhelmed with Him and His faithfulness, AMEN!!!

Friday, December 22, 2006


I'm sure you're expecting some wonderful post about some interesting aspect of a foreign culture...too bad. I'm a little disheartened at the moment discovering how infinately freaked out I am about traveling alone. I'm sure it wouldn't be quite so nerve-wracking if I wasn't flying around the world STANDBY. God's amazing and has gotten me on every plane here and hopefully every plane back. Still, it's enough to mess with my head. I'll post more when I get back stateside.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." (Anyone know who said that?)

Saturday, December 09, 2006

I Love my Life


I'm leaving for Thailand on Thursday.I know! We're crazy! I'm blown away by the infinite contuously perfect Timing going on.

Fact #1

My weekend away totally refocused me and has kept me on a road of good (laid back), enshallah timing. It's no accident that weekend happened right before this trip.

Fact #2

Jason's folks can take the kids and the kids are psyched. They're also in traveling mode because of last week and are used to moving around a lot because of our summer "nomadicy".

Fact #3

I was able to see His plan in delayed flights last week in a powerful way...there's a very real possibility of that happening this time as well.

Fact #4

All the books I've been reading have focused me rightly.

The only downside to this whole adventure is the wicked jet lag: 14 hour time difference and only 5 days there! If you're a praying person pray for a miraculous jet lag avoidance!

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

The Answer

So, I promised to keep you posted, so here is His providence.

Someone has owed us some money for a few months and hasn't had the means to pay us back. He contacted us yesterday and said that he has the funds to pay us back today! The amount he gave us exactly the amount we needed to make rent!

Praise be to the One and only Provider of all good things!

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Walking the Fine Edge of Faith

That's where I'm sitting.

I was able to retreat this weekend and focus back on what REALITY really is...

"Hi Reality, we haven't talked in awhile and I love all the honesty you bring to the conversation!"

I highly recommend reading George Mueller's autobiography and "Rees Howells: Intercessor"...both books have changed the very fiber of my life's direction. Their lives were incredibly difficult from a logical standpoint, and yet their growth and faith are something that I continue to desire. To be honest, I'm not sure I have the guts to live as they lived.

All this leads up to me getting home today and laughing when I find out we don't have enough money for rent that ought to be paid by Dec. 5th. How fitting of God to call me back to the place of His providence.

How short are we? Short enough, but I know that God's will is going to prevail. To be honest, part of me hopes He waits to answer until the 5th. I'll keep you posted!

Monday, November 27, 2006

Photo albums...avoid them!!!

I'm putzing around my folks' house and I happen to spy my childhood photo album. Big mistake!

I open it and am initially shocked to see how much my kids look like my sister and me as kids. Caedmon looks spookily similar to my little sister in baby pictures. This also brings me a measure of joy and sis and I are great friends and, so far, my kids seem to be getting along just as well.

Then I got into my tomboy and pre-pubescent years...a lot scarier looking than I remember. I now understand how someone could've mistaken me for a boy in the early 90s...I look like a boy! For some reason I've never been able to look at my childhood pictures as honestly as I can now. I feel like I'm looking in the light of young parent eyes. I'm not able to see myself as anything but gorgeous so far in my high school years. Maybe when my kids are teenagers I will be more honest with those images of my self.

Here's an immediate question that came to my mind as I look (specifically) at my jr. high pictures. "How did go through those years with such a well of confidence?" Looking at those pictures now I know my friends were kind people and my God was loving God. Both sheltered me from many of the comments that destroy many jr. high hearts. Thank God for His grace and forbearance in those years. Shaping me (really starting then) into the adult I am now.

I hope that this is something that continues to happen as I continue to get older. Thank You for family and an awesome life!

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Not much...You?!

I've been listening to a lot of NPR the last couple of had everything to do with a dead elk.

Jason shot a cow elk on Friday and I became the lone meat grinder and wrapper...if any of you have ever seen how much meat is on an elk you are probably very impressed by this point. I spent Sunday (1pm-10:30pm) up to my elbows in meat. As one of my friends pointed out, I'm a Montana girl/ hunter's daughter at heart because I didn't start hating what I was doing until 8:00! I have fond memories of sitting in my dad's garage hacking away at a dead animal. That didn't keep me from having meat dreams all Sunday night.

The main upside to all of this is that I don't have to buy meat for the next year...also, I love the taste of wild game and really can't stomache the taste of beef very well.

Sorry for the long amount of time of no blogging. I just haven't had the inclination. I have too much holiday related thinking going on right now and not enough inspiration. Thanks Mary and Gabe for the fun visit and Brit for the funny story mid-meat mess! Toodles!

Friday, November 17, 2006

About Time!

I stumbled across an article that many of us have wanted to write and probably should've. Anyone who has waited tables knows what a terrible witness many "Christian" customers are. I think everyone ought to work in customer service so that they are better customers!

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Who Are The People In Your Neighborhood?

So, we're mostly moved into our new place of residence. Hallelujah for carports and tire swings! I feel so spoiled since I can kick the kids outside to play. AND...(drumroll please) the kids can play with the neighbors!!! That's right we have two different families with whom the kiddos can spend countless hours. They're lovin it and I'm lovin it! Also, there's a cheap and stupendous teenage babysitter just down the road. You'd think God had planned this out or something!

I'm shocked with how quiet it is here too. I'd gotten used to the mayhem of living with others and the silence helps me sleep, but it's definately weird. Hey, at least I can yell at my kids again without wondering if my friends think I'm a psycho.

For the most part I don't read women's contemporary fiction because it has zero depth and not much quality. I happened to pick up "The Debt" by Angela Hunt and was pleasantly blown away. She packs real Christian depth into stories with tough situations. Between Hunt and Beth Moore my views of well-known Christian women is changing. Pick up either authors stuff if you want something encouraging.

Monday, October 16, 2006

I'm Back...Jack! (Sort've)

I've been itching to get my mitts on some non-blocked internet and praise be to God the church has wireless!!! How did we all live before such a beast as DSL?!

Some words from my kiddos:

Ruthie:"Caedmon, give me my chopstick!"

Me:"You mean chapstick."

Ruthie:"Caedmon, give me my chapelstick!"

Sometimes, correcting 4 yr old wording is pointless. If you really want a lesson in being less judgemental live with other people for 4 1/2 months. I have been a part of 6 different households and God has called them all to walk through life in very different ways. They are all doing exactly what they're called to do and some are doing it in plenty and some are doing it in want. Yet they all opened up their homes and really their lives to a family walking a different path and loved us anyway.

One of my close friends and I have had a really tough year, we couldn't see past the different paths we were walking enough to love each other as we should. We have spent 6 months slowly rekindling the enjoyment we found in each other. I continue to be blown away by how God weaves each of our lives to walk our different roads RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER. Praise God for the times when those paths join and we can laugh and cry out of understanding. I continue to love my path...sure I wish that rock wasn't right in my way and I have moments of wanting to step off the path completely. Then I catch a glimpse of the end...or even the waterfall around the bend and I keep walking with my calves burning and drinking in the Living Water.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

He Answers in His time

So God finally decided we can be done with nomadicy! We were approved to rent a 3 bedroom duplex! The only downside(s) is there's no dishwasher or washer/dryer. Housing perfection is unattainable at our income level, but 3 bedrooms sounds like heaven.

Here is God's sense of humor in this...back in May we moved out of our nice apartment assuming He took us out of there partially because rent was too much. The new place is nearly the same monthly amount! Also, I thought He wanted us to be nomadic so we could save funds for whatever we did next. He brought monthly giving down to the same level of squeaking by that we were doing in our apartment. I'm humbled by the blatant example He's given me of all resources coming only through His hand. I finally really believe that if He wanted us to have thousands of dollars monthly He could lead us to that job or those donors. But He (in His crazy wisdom) knows what I need to grow, "further in, further up". The stinker.

Sounds like we can't move in until around Nov. 1st to our place so I we'll stay with my friends who have no TV and internet until then. It's tough on me to live w/o my comforts of "House M.D." and "ER" and "Grey's Anatomy". Though I totally respect the couple we're living with and their decision to go without electronic distraction. So, I'm blogging in the church sanctuary right now, plying silence from the kids with "Veggietales."

Thank you for the blogosphere!

Saturday, September 30, 2006

Tis the season...

...for illness to begin. Kids have now been at school just long enough for the germs to explode into green snot and barf. Somehow my kids have dodged being sick so far and have settled into mere seasonal allergies.

Caedmon has been into praying lately. Here's a typical bedtime prayer: "God, thank you...Bubba, Lana, Roofie (ruth), mom, dad. Help peanut butter not be bad, help mom and dad not be bad. Help Jesus not be bad. My dreams sleep good....Amen!" I love it!

I woke up Friday morning praising God. I lay there filled with the beauty of the dreams He had given me. The dreams spoke of our church Body and where God could lead us if we gave over all of our Self to His plan. It was amazing to walk through the dream sensing each of our struggles and truimphs on the spiritual plain. He had us walking with our spiritual eyes on and it was beautiful. It was such a great gift.

He's been giving me a lot of spiritual gifts lately, which has made the physical hardships sting less. Praise God for His wisdom that surpasses mine!

Friday, September 29, 2006

I Joined the League of Pastor's Wives

I'm oh so excited about this...nothing like finding a group who knows where you're coming from! Holla out to my sisters!

Friday, September 15, 2006

Here I Sit...

...crying out.
Trying to find
what You're all about.

As yet I don't know what to say,
as yet I don't know what to do.
But all will reveal Himself in time.

On the move once again. Place of rest #5 since May. Let me just say that moving 2 cars worth of stuff every couple of weeks really takes it out of a woman. Luckily the kids don't notice the stress that radiates off of me every moving day. Then there's the questioning of God I do more than I think I should; that combined with mourning over a lost food budget and comfort zone is enough to make me crack like a toddler faced with a three course veggie dinner.

When will it all slow down?? I don't know.

Oh yeah, I've also been informed that I've been a jerk about the whole situation. I've made some of my friends feel like I look down on them for their homes and food budgets and trips to the zoo. In reality I don't look down on them, it's just plain old jealousy rearing its ugly mug.
I've withdrawn from a lot of my friends because I'm ashamed and embarrassed of where God leads us, no one else seems to be traveling this road we're on right now. But, talking to some of the pastor's wives and other women in the body, they've been on this road long ago and have now walked on to different roads. Thank God that this may only last for 10 YEARS!

A new development on the spiritual attack front: Ruthie's innocence and character were attacked this week. It was one of those "playing doctor" situations that every mom probably will have, but never wants. It's hard to strike the right balance of making your kid understand that you love them and, "Please for the love of God always tell me when something like this happens!" You don't want to freak your 4 yr old out, but they need to grasp some of the seriousness of it. To complicate the situation the perpetrator of this incident is the older sibling of one of Ruthie's friend's....AT CHURCH! That means I have to see the other mother nearly every week in our church of only 100 people. Crap. The other mother asked her kids what happened and, of course, they denied it and she backs them up (I would too). I just hope that A) I can continue to respond to this mom as a fellow sister and B) her kids will fess up or get caught doing it again.

Went to a prayer night last night and had a "Nearness to God" experience. I've had the feeling of God surrounding me before, but this felt like He took over my whole body and I was the size of a newborn rocking in His arms. If I could sit there all the time I would.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Last Good Cry

Yesterday was cathartic (sp?)...all that we've been experiencing lately caught up with me. I scared myself...I haven't felt that full of despair since before Living Waters. It was good though, Jason encouraged me to drive away and find a shoulder to cry on. I called a woman from church who I know only slightly, but who has great compassion, great prayer and has been where we have been.
I called her and asked if I could come over and as I drove over there I kept trying to pull it together. I didn't want to walk in the door with red eyes and sniffling (stupid, since I went there to cry) so she wouldn't see how much I was hurting, but God wouldn't let me. We got to her basement and I broke down...emotionally and bodily. I cried as if my world had ended and apparently I really need to.
It's hard to cry like that as an adult. I have this internal "adult" response monitor that continually tell me to pull it together. But a good crying jag is definately okay.
Thank You for safe women who can comfort me when I need it. Thank You for a husband who understands and supports me. Thank You for emotional outlets
I'm really curious...when was your last good cry????

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Day from Eviltown

Some days with one's "angelic" children can turn out damn near awful. My kids woke up and irritated each other nonstop for 2 hours. Time-outs were being tossed around like yellow cards in the 2006 FIFA World Cup.
I don't have any $ to buy food for a couple days and our coffers are low (by American standards), and for some reason I'm anal about having full cupboards. So, there were 2 things to stress me out.
Then the hose from the washer came loose and sprayed water all over the kitchen while I'm trying to get out the door with the kids. I finally herd the whining urchins into their seats and get into the driver's seat. And the DAMN CLUTCH sinks to the floor. I barely restrained all the F words about fly from my lips as I trudged back into the house.
So, I'm about to crack and my dear spouse quickly bleeds the line so we can be on our way. The kids had a great time at the Children's Museum and Ruth didn't even argue when I said it was time to go. Caedmon refused to walk to the car...picking him up would be bad parenting cause he wouldn've won (I'm stubborn too). So, Ruth and I pretended to walk to the car and hid behind a bush (I swear this is good parenting too). He screamed bloody murder as he angrily took a step forward every 2 minutes. I finally got him to walk most of the way before he lay down on the pavement. It was go time. I stuck him under my arm and booked it to the car.
You wanna hear the most irritating sound in the world? I don't, but that 20 minute car ride was unavoidable. He was a pissed 2 year old screaming at the top of his lungs like one possessed. And part of me thinks he was.
And as I took deep cleansing breaths in the car listening to "Caedmon's Call" (ironic, huh) mingled with my son's crying jag I thought of humanity. How often have I had to move forward because of life circumstances and gone whining and kicking? I wonder if those around me (God and my own kids included) ever want to take deep cleansing breaths and turn up the praise?

Monday, August 21, 2006

So, I'm back from about a learning experience. There's the usual talk of foreign food giving me the runs and foreign driving being a contact sport, and then there's the differences.

Glue Boys- We hung out in Masaya with a cadre of boys who roam the streets. They stay high most of the time on the most god-awful smelling glue my nose has ever met. We decided to take them out of their element for a day and piled 12 of them into the van with us. We drove to a rain forest preserve and had a park ranger take us around a loop to see monkeys, parrots and waterfalls. Think of your own kids and how much they get to enjoy...these street hardened boys may have had their only chance to be fascinated by nature that day. They all lit up like kids on Christmas. Their manners showed up and they were calm. Only 3 of the 12 felt the need to continue sniffing glue that day. It engages my tender mother heart when I see these 9 to 15 yr-old men-children running in a pack on Nicaraguan streets.

The other comfort-jarring event came in the barrio's by the dump. There is a city built from scrap wood, metal and kiddie pool linings on the edge of Managua's dump. These families send their men up on the mountain of garbage to forage for survival...EVERY DAY. There is no other existence for them. We took packs of beans & rice to many mothers in the barrio during the day. The locals told us it's much safer to hand out food when the men are away. I figured it just got a little more chaotic. Our leader decided to drive up to where the men were scavenging for their livelihood. It felt like a scene from "Dawn of the Dead" soon as the men spotted the van their heads turned in unison and an animal hunger for whatever we had in our van caused them all to sprint for the car. Bodies mashed against the side of the van as we tossed what rice bags we had left out of the window and spun away.

What does one say after seeing this? How do I reconcile all the joyfully poor Nicaraguan believers I met with the pouty, selfish, depressed believers that live in the states? I tell you, for the first time I have a blatant, country-sized example of how material things don't mean shit. How do I keep that at the forefront of my brain?

Monday, July 31, 2006

This is the Song that Never Ends....

So, the kids and I are off on another grand adventure. I'm shlepping them off on J's dad and stepmom and I get to go on to Nicaragua.
Friends keep asking me how I feel about the trip, I don't have an answer. My mommy brain hasn't gotten beyond the part where I get the kiddos settled at their grandparent's house. As soon as that's accomplished I'll be able to think of visiting a dump city and seeing little kids sniff glue.

Shoot, never a spare moment.

Friday, July 28, 2006

A Man of Talent

Jason and I went to M. Night's Shymalan's "Lady in the Water" Sunday afternoon.


As the credits began, the theater was completely silent. Everyone shuffled out solemnly. The movie had hit hearts and hopefully caused some profound thinking. I don't know how you could walk out of that movie not feeling hopeful that each individual has the potential to be a part of the Bigger Picture. There were so many layers to what was being said that Jason and I will have watch it again.

Some people are quite critical of the film and Shymalan's movie in general, but that's because they go in with the wrong premise (that their horror flicks, always have a twist, etc.). M.Night is a great storyteller who is trying to bring his heart and struggles to that story. What the hell is wrong or meaningless about that?

I end with part of a review by a website that I've come to respect for it's (usually) spot-on movie assessment.

"Lady in the Water isnt a great film, but it certainly is a good one, a mixed bag of myth and hope and love and a commitment to acts of faith in the face of a world that folds its arms and refuses to believe. If its true that more and more weve come to expect less and less from the movies we see and value as a community, then Shyamalan is doing his part to craft original, honest stories that reflect the skills and ideas of a truly gifted filmmaker. The biggest complaints lobbied against him arent that he makes bad movies but that the movies themselves didnt measure up to some arbitrary ideal thats been planted in the viewers mind before they even enter the theater. And to watch movies that way is to live wearing blinders. Shyamalans films are striving for greatness, even especially if its on his own terms."
Daniel Carlson is the lead critic for Pajiba and a copy editor at a Hollywood industry magazine. You can visit his blog, Slowly Going Bald
Their website is

Gas Sucks

Jason and I have two modes of transportation that most people would consider complete opposites. We have a great yellow Vespa moped that Jason uses to get to most work-related meetings. Our other car is a gas-eating Isuzu Rodeo. The Rodeo was donated for us and the moped was a replacement for our totaled LeSabre (also donate to us).

I used to lust after a Volkswagon convertible Beetle, but now I dream of a Toyota Prius. I lust after double the gas mileage. Call me dorky, I just call me a eco-conscious mom.

I'm sure not all of you are feeling the crunch of the gas as much as we are...sometimes we simply can't leave the house because we don't have enough $ to put more gas in the car. In Turkey, the public transportation is so great that I would never need a car there. I wish that could translate somehow to the American landscape.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Clarification is good

So, I just re-read my post, "Refreshing Homelessness", and it kind've makes me sound like a moon-eyed psycho. Let me add to that post by saying we are not without food or shelter. I think I wrote that post assuming everyone out there is inside my head. We aren't just moving forward willy-nilly, nor do I think everyone is called to become nomadic.

Christ makes it very clear in Matthew 5-7 that following Him is a lot about heart motive. It is the problem of loving material things more than people and their growth that He is trying to convey. Unfortunately it's a very hard thing for anyone to stay in a "soul" state of mind...too much do we fall back into "flesh" ways of thinking.

I think marriage is a great example of this. There are many time when I look at my spouse and want to explode for all the admiration and deep love I have for him. And yet, there are times when he will nicely ask me to make him lunch and I selfishly pull back and say, "Hell no, I'm watching SNL re-runs!" Where's the "soul" in that? Every relationship we have is an example of that on-going struggle of our pure hearts and our stingy self-love. Christ simply asks us to consider His Way of living more than our own.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

The Family

Since some of you haven't seen us in awhile, I thought I'd post a pic up of us. Granted it's from Christmas, but that's the last time we all sat together in front of a camera. Bon appetit!

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Refreshing Homelessness

That's right...I said refreshing. Talk about an amazing experience! I understand so much better how the loss of one's supposed material "rights" can be so freeing. Rock on hippies! Since May 8th we have been taken in by the love of our church. Simultaneously our church Body is becoming closer and closer to something amazing. I've read about revival, but I've never felt the stirrings of one until this last month.
The book of Haggai was put into the hearts of those around us. J, in Thailand, and another guy just happened to read it over there and started praying over it. Our worship pastor's wife felt the need to tell our pastor about the book. A woman in Saturday night church (our sister church) stood up and prayed out of Haggai, not knowing of what had been going on Sunday morning. I have NEVER seen eight men meet together and spend 3 hours stretched out on the floor praying to God.
I'm convinced that the timing of our homelessness is divine. For some in our church we're their poster children of how to live out what He is asking us to do. To sell out to all the material shit and take on whatever God leads us to do. Scary? Hell yes? Impractical and illogical, of course. Are we full of joy and more life than I've had in the last five years. Yes, very much!
By no concidence I've read the story of Keith Green's life and Loren Cunningham's life. I identify much more with Green's story and I really want to have that kind of confidence.

I've pulled so many examples of our relationship with God from parenting and my relationship with J. The latest is a child/parent analogy:
He/God has planned out our days (much like many moms). We will be engaged in playing with one of our favorite toys and He'll give us the 5 minute warning. He tells us we need to leave on an errand with Him soon. Our child's ears hear him faintly in our fun and mumble a half-hearted, "Okay." Soon we get the 2 minute and 1 minute warnings and we ignore those as well. Suddenly (or so it seems to us), He's at our side saying, "It's time to go." We throw our toy, pout and start whining, "But I didn't get enough time to play this!" He continues to calmly tell us it's time to move on. Like all parents I think He allows us "10 more minutes" in some cases. Other times it's a flat-out NO as He carries us kicking and screaming to what He (as the parent) knows is next for us.

He continues to blow my mind with all the things in nature and living that represent His involvement with us. Matthew 5-7 continues to be the most profound bit of God I've ever read.

May you be covered in the dust of the one you follow.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

He's Overseas...Thank God for SWEEPS!!!

I've been meaning to write this nice, angst ridden post but I've been to full of conflicting thoughts to actually get it out. So, here's my gushy (homeless!) review of all the season finale's that I care about. You may wonder why they matter so much.
Well....when your husband is in Thailand for 2 weeks and your kid's are lovingly stealing your sanity what else is there to do?!

1. "Grey's Anatomy"- By far the most brillantly executed show this year, taking over the #1 place in my favs from long-standing "ER". So much was resolved and not in the last 3 hours this season. Loved Denny and Izzy, but knew it couldn't go on for cast reasons. What a brillant show in its execution!

2. "ER"- My friend, L, and I had pretty much dumped this one for its completely weak showing this season. Then I watched the finale...C'mon, you're going to leave us hanging on whether Jerry (extremely lovable desk guy) lives. What about Abby and Kovac?! As soon as the shooting started the way the show was filmed seemed to be better. I think they should've killed off Gallant long ago. They let he and Neela go on for WAY too long. Love Nagra Parminder by the way.

3. "CSI"- I was really disappointed with how normal the second part of the finale was. The only surprise (sort've) was Sarah and Grissom together at the end. That's simply a resolution of something that's been building for many seasons. J and I are wondering whether we'll drop this one.

Thankfully, I still have 3 more shows to finish out. "Desperate Housewives" will finish up Sunday, "House M.D." ends Tuesday, and I'm not sure if "Big Love" breaks for the summer. I kind've hope it doesn't.

I know this is the dumbest this some of you have ever heard, but these shows have entertained me on many a night. Plus, I love medically related shows (Psh, who doesn't!). I think J is just glad that I'm keeping myself busy while he's's not like I'm supposed to be finding us a place to live or anything.

Oh yeah, in case you're wondering, homelessness sucks when you're a family of four. Yes, we have a roof over our head, but it's not our roof. I just hate imposing on other people's happy abodes.

Yada, yada,

Saturday, April 22, 2006


I am so friggin tired of the shit that gets said about people in the ministry! Plenty of times it seems like a congregation will only support their pastor and other leaders so far financially, depending on their view of how much work he's doing. Of course, most congregants assume that their leaders do minimal amounts of work and support them as such. I've heard it said that they sit around all day just shooting the breeze and praying a lot.

Now here comes my very personal frustration. People's perception of their monetary struggles and of J's Missions Director position. We are living on 40% of what we need to make it monthly. Other people don't know what that means. Well here's the breakdown. We are making roughly $ 1200/ month (that was including my job, I quit, that brought in $300-500/mo). Our expenses:
-$840 rent
-$150 preschool
-$140 food (if I'm lucky)
-$70 phone
-$100 gas, toiletries, diapers
-$80 credit cards (which were all run up to help ends meet)
-$80 electric and gas
-$350 tithing/missionaries
Grand total of $1810 and all of these figures are on the lower end. Oh yeah and we also have to raise $2,000 about every 3 months or so for a missions trip that Jason takes. I'm sick and tired of people assuming that J does fricking squat all day. The man doggedly chases the best plane fares, meets with many people about missions-related subjects, comes up with and coordinates fundraisers, and designs newsletters and website stuff. Makes sure all our missionaries and okay financially and otherwise. Yet some people continue to have the gall to think he sits on his ass all day and helps me out with the kids. Part of the reason I quite my before-mentioned job was because J wasn't getting everything accomplished that he needed to on a daily basis. Missions related stuff was suffering.
I hate it when other people say, "Things are really tight this month," then some people base their tithing on that. These are people who have savings accounts with money in them and health benefits and an actual house and a car that wasn't donated to them. Some people would (and do) criticize us for giving so much to church and not getting a "real" job. If the furthering of the Word didn't matter so much to us I would agree with them. Also the preschool cost has always been covered and she wouldn't be there if God hadn't strongly told me to bless R in that way. It just pisses me off that following closely to God's will affords us (and other church leaders) so much criticism. Can you tell I'm a little pissed about this? People criticize our pastor for taking a year-long sabbatical with full pay, citing that he does so little. Who the hell are they to talk about doing so little?
Yes, this is unjustly angry and some people are going to be offended, but I'm tired of all the pot shots taken at J and all ministry leadership. Really fricking sick of it. Comments?

Monday, March 20, 2006

Coffee, Tea and........Barf?

My sweet son loves da dinosaur chicken nuggets. Sunday afternoon he ate 4 for's the only meat I can convince him to swallow. Anyway, I put him down for his nap. An hour into it I heard him crying and ignored it. An hour later he cries again and I figure he's slept long enough. I walk in and smell it...chicken dino barf. He's swimming in it and had slept in it (stupid mom, stupid! Of course that first cry was about barf!) so it's in his hair.
Into the tub he goes to contain the spew. At this point I'm cursing the nuggets and the bagel he'd eaten at church. I pull out all the bath towels and instruct J to start me on the pile of pajamas. Every hour or so a towel and a pair of PJ's bite the dust. I'm in mommy mode...steel-eyed and resigned to a loss of sleep.
He falls into an dehydrated twilight sleep as I lay him in the Pack & Play (for better containment) I go to bed listening for the sound of urp. C cries at 3 am and I sit in the rocking chair as he eats 1/2 a graham cracker and guzzles a bottle of ginger/orange juice.
"Momee, " he whispers.
"What baby," I ask in my half stupor.
"I want coffee," he pleads quietly.
"Coffee in bottle," he begs.
"No son, you need sleep, " I respond and lay my caffeine addict back in his crib. Did I mention he won't turn 2 until Saturday? This is what I get for drinking coffee while he was in utero...oh yeah, and spiking his bottle with and 1/8 cup of Starbucks House Blend.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Co-Closet Sleeping?!

I finally made the jump...I dismantled C's crib and stuck his mattress in the closet. Confused? We have a walk-in closet in the kid's bedroom that doubles as R's bedroom. She chose it when we moved I'm assuming because it felt safer than the large room. There's just enough room on the floor of the closet to put his mattress on the floor next to her toddler bed.
The first night C laid down without a peep...I heard him bump into the wall trying to get comfortable, but not crying. Then came 6am. He starts crying like he'd woken up from a bad dream, so I wait it out to see if R can get him back to sleep. Next thing I know R is yelling for me and says, "C's stuck under my bed!" Horrific images jump to my mind BECAUSE there's an egg crate taking up nearly all the space under her bed (monster repellent). My dear son had found the only bit of space left and wedge himself in there under the guise of extreme safety. I looked in the closet to see two pajamaed feet kicking ( a la Wicked Witch of the East) frantically.

On another thought track altogether I found an analogy that works for me regarding the question, "How do all the great and terrible events in life work in God's plan." I compare God's ability to know to the President of the U.S. By far, the toughest job out there. The Prez has to make all kinds of decisions based on factors that we can't be privy to. So we question is ability to make good choices and bash him and basically cut the man down no matter what political party he's a part of. God's privy to all the world's stage and know's each crazy war and sick child. But we still question and bash Him as well. Think about it.


Tuesday, February 28, 2006

God's Curveball's

I'm not going to try and guess as to how God will answer prayers anymore. He delights in surprising me. As I said in the last post about Las Vegas, I found grace in an unlikely place. Now we may have an answer to our next place of residence in the last place I ever would have guessed.
I have numerous beefs about J's college...but it's beginning to look like God may be calling us back there once again to further His plan. I struggle with this knowing that the institution has screwed us numerous times on a spiritual and financial level. And yet, isn't that usually how it happens? How else would we ever grow if we weren't faced with challenging situations.
J just got back from Russia yesterday. He met a worker there from Brazil who looks black. The Russians dislike black people for some reason and this worker has paid for it. He's had his home raided numerous times and been beaten at each visit. His sending organization brought him home for a year at one point just to keep him from dying.
Why does God use the foolish things of this world to shame the worldly wise? Why the hell not?! I want desperately to get to the point where (more often than not) I can look at God and say, "Bring it on...further in, further up!"

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Finding Graceland in Sin City

Good God! (I mean that literally) He is just on a roll...either that or I'm finally paying attention. Living the way we have, by that I mean with leaving the country when led, it's caused me to constantly be put in the grace of God. He (through Jason) blessed me with the greatest gift possible. So, here's the latest rundown of God's providence. This list is nowhere near all the times God's shown up in crazy ways.

The God Stuff:

-Yesterday CCU deposited our loan money in the bank on a Tuesday (they ALWAYS do it on Thursdays) and the loan wasn't supposed to reach the school until Feb. 16.

Never mind all the ways He constantly sustains us.