Tuesday, October 18, 2005

The Perfect Job Has ALIENS!!!!

So, I really thought that this was FINALLY the perfect job:
-extremely flexible hours
-bosses who are believers and nice as frickin banana bread
-I can lay down on the job cause we sell massage beds
-when I'm not laying down on the job I'm chatting it up with regulars or reading
-did I mention soothing music and virtual silence for 4 hours?!
What's the problem you may ask? My boss is taking a much deserved vacation this week and I'm working with a couple of volunteers to keep the place running. Today a chiropractor was my volunteer helper which was great! She was nice and was doing free spinal assessments for people who came in...what threw my day into the paranormal (literally) was her "friend" J who came to help out too. J was 50 BILLION chips short of a fiesta platter!!!
She walked in yawning so I made some comment about her needing some coffee. Her response was, "Oh, that yawn is just the aliens trying to communicate with me." I did a "heh, heh," chuckle and then paused. Is this lady being serious?!!! YOU BET YOUR SWEET PATOOTIE SHE WAS!
She proceeded to tell me that the aliens had given her the ability to communicate their will for us through her. She could tell by twirling her necklace what your "job" was that the aliens needed you to do. According to her I was carrying out my "job." AH! For the next 4 hours she communicated her views to nearly every frickin customer who came through the door!!
J would stand over someone as they lay down, find out some little twinge they were feeling and proceed to noisily breath her alien/demonic voodoo all over their body. She sounded like she was trying to breath through a contraction! I couldn't concentrate cause their was obviously SOMETHING talking to J that had invaded my serene, God blessed work place!
See, mediocre religion I can take, but demonic presence is another story.
Interestingly enough, the customers who came in were not the normal people I would see on a daily basis; it's as though Satan was able to pull them in because of J's presence. Blah! Of course as soon as J and the chiropractor left, order restored and I could effectively encourage the customers again.
I am so frickin pissed that Satan dared to disturb my sanctuary, but what should I expect...Satan hates it when good things are happening anywhere.
Here's were I need your advice, dear reader, what should I do about this? I'm going to ask my boss(es) when they get back whether they sanction J's presence here as someone representing them. If so, do I quit? Or do I simply request to not work whenever J is in "volunteering"?Maybe I was brought here to counteract J's presence...maybe not. I welcome your comments. Just goes to show you there's no perfect job.

Friday, October 14, 2005

The Cliqued Top 10

Doesn't everyone have to do the occasnional top 10 when their brains are functioning on low capacity. Ta Da! Here's mine:

10 Worst Things About Being a Mom

1. Someone vomiting and knowing you're the clean up crew.
2. Someone staining their clothes & carpet and also being the clean up crew.
3. Knowing that house cleaning only maintains a certain level of disorder (does that ever change?).
4. Cleaning up your own vomit and then proceeding to care for other people's needs instead of wallowing like the ill, weak person you are. (Are you catching a theme here?)
5. Serving everyone else their food and condiments and second drinks only to sit down and have everyone be done eating.
6. Going grocery shopping alone is the highlight of your day.
7. Preschool may be educational, but you really just want some free time that somehow still doesn't happen.

Ah crap...I could barely think of seven! The truth is at this point in my life there's not much I don't like about my life status. So, let's move on to the list that will get to 10...

10 Best Things About Being a Mom

1. Watching "Spongebob Squarepants" on a daily basis and tell yourself it's for the kids (Highly recommend it, as does J!).
2. Keeping your house stocked with kid friendly foods and knowing that you can flatly deny touching them without people being suspicious.
3. Having someone think your odd voices and funny dancing really are hilarious.
4. Your kisses can heal all bumps.
5. Even if you're pissed at your spouse you can still cuddle with someone.
6. Getting out of crappy family events pulling the "the kids can't handle it" card.
7. Coloring all the good pictures in a coloring book before your kid realizes it.
8. Duping your kids into eating vegetables (think flavored vitamins made with Spinach Extract).
9. Seeing all the sexy guys on shows like Hi-5 and Wiggles...let's not forget Boohbah!
10. Watching your kids pull the same crap that you did when you were a kid!!!!

Whew, that was more than I thought it would be...freakin top 10.