Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Wonder Boy and His Cranium of Titanium

This just in...C has decided to take up head bashing as an extreme sport! He’s pretty good at it…practices at least once a day, though many days he drastically overshoots his quota. I think he gets more points for blood and extreme dentation. Injures of note were the extreme biting of his tongue and splitting his forehead open on the closet runner. I never knew coffee tables could leave a 5 hour indented line down the side of your face either. Paramedics have nothing on me when it comes to calm responses to injury. Do doctors ever do complimentary MRI’s? Also, within the last month he swallowed a plastic, marble-sized boulder and shoved hot dog pieces so far up his nose I had to hold him down and suction it out! Thank goodness the kid had enough sense to point to his nose and say "hot dog" and I could interpret. Do you think this is a boy thing or just “2nd Child” syndrome? I think being both the first and last born comes with it's own syndrome...he's showing all the signs:
-numerous injuries
-monkey see, monkey do risky things big sister does
-dramatic reponses to sister's dictatorship
-did I mention injuries?

R is becoming a genius in preschool and a teenager at home (also read "1st Child syndrome). Symptoms include (but not limited to):
-fair amount of bossiness
-narcing to the point of insanity, "Mom, he's sneezing!" Who the hell cares!
-feelings of entitlement to every movement and object C possesses.
-socialability that far surpasses those of both parents and a Turkish diplomat combined.
She knows Spanish numbers and colors, has learned some phonics and can count to nearly 20. During parent/teacher conferences her teacher’s main praise was how friendly and outgoing she was. So it's a toss up as to whether she'll be a freakish bookworm like her mom, or a raging high school drug addict like here dad. Hmmm, life choices, life choices. Both will eventually require therapy. I doubt there are many kids that couldn't use a good therapist here and there. At home she often tells me, “I know, MOM,” in exactly the tone I think I perfected in high school. You know the tone, the one that makes you want to shove dried spaghetti noodles in your ears and scream, "You're a twit, and I'm STILL smarter than you with spaghetti hanging out my ears!!!" Oh, the never failing confidence of the young that they can know it all. Idiots (don't worry, I'm including myself since I'm only 24).
Did I mention God gave us a brand new (used) car!!! A 1994 Isuzu Rodeo materialized out of the EXTREMELY unlikely place of my parents church. I think He just does it to prove some freakish point about HIM being in control. Psh.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

The Perfect Job Has ALIENS!!!!

So, I really thought that this was FINALLY the perfect job:
-extremely flexible hours
-bosses who are believers and nice as frickin banana bread
-I can lay down on the job cause we sell massage beds
-when I'm not laying down on the job I'm chatting it up with regulars or reading
-did I mention soothing music and virtual silence for 4 hours?!
What's the problem you may ask? My boss is taking a much deserved vacation this week and I'm working with a couple of volunteers to keep the place running. Today a chiropractor was my volunteer helper which was great! She was nice and was doing free spinal assessments for people who came in...what threw my day into the paranormal (literally) was her "friend" J who came to help out too. J was 50 BILLION chips short of a fiesta platter!!!
She walked in yawning so I made some comment about her needing some coffee. Her response was, "Oh, that yawn is just the aliens trying to communicate with me." I did a "heh, heh," chuckle and then paused. Is this lady being serious?!!! YOU BET YOUR SWEET PATOOTIE SHE WAS!
She proceeded to tell me that the aliens had given her the ability to communicate their will for us through her. She could tell by twirling her necklace what your "job" was that the aliens needed you to do. According to her I was carrying out my "job." AH! For the next 4 hours she communicated her views to nearly every frickin customer who came through the door!!
J would stand over someone as they lay down, find out some little twinge they were feeling and proceed to noisily breath her alien/demonic voodoo all over their body. She sounded like she was trying to breath through a contraction! I couldn't concentrate cause their was obviously SOMETHING talking to J that had invaded my serene, God blessed work place!
See, mediocre religion I can take, but demonic presence is another story.
Interestingly enough, the customers who came in were not the normal people I would see on a daily basis; it's as though Satan was able to pull them in because of J's presence. Blah! Of course as soon as J and the chiropractor left, order restored and I could effectively encourage the customers again.
I am so frickin pissed that Satan dared to disturb my sanctuary, but what should I expect...Satan hates it when good things are happening anywhere.
Here's were I need your advice, dear reader, what should I do about this? I'm going to ask my boss(es) when they get back whether they sanction J's presence here as someone representing them. If so, do I quit? Or do I simply request to not work whenever J is in "volunteering"?Maybe I was brought here to counteract J's presence...maybe not. I welcome your comments. Just goes to show you there's no perfect job.

Friday, October 14, 2005

The Cliqued Top 10

Doesn't everyone have to do the occasnional top 10 when their brains are functioning on low capacity. Ta Da! Here's mine:

10 Worst Things About Being a Mom

1. Someone vomiting and knowing you're the clean up crew.
2. Someone staining their clothes & carpet and also being the clean up crew.
3. Knowing that house cleaning only maintains a certain level of disorder (does that ever change?).
4. Cleaning up your own vomit and then proceeding to care for other people's needs instead of wallowing like the ill, weak person you are. (Are you catching a theme here?)
5. Serving everyone else their food and condiments and second drinks only to sit down and have everyone be done eating.
6. Going grocery shopping alone is the highlight of your day.
7. Preschool may be educational, but you really just want some free time that somehow still doesn't happen.

Ah crap...I could barely think of seven! The truth is at this point in my life there's not much I don't like about my life status. So, let's move on to the list that will get to 10...

10 Best Things About Being a Mom

1. Watching "Spongebob Squarepants" on a daily basis and tell yourself it's for the kids (Highly recommend it, as does J!).
2. Keeping your house stocked with kid friendly foods and knowing that you can flatly deny touching them without people being suspicious.
3. Having someone think your odd voices and funny dancing really are hilarious.
4. Your kisses can heal all bumps.
5. Even if you're pissed at your spouse you can still cuddle with someone.
6. Getting out of crappy family events pulling the "the kids can't handle it" card.
7. Coloring all the good pictures in a coloring book before your kid realizes it.
8. Duping your kids into eating vegetables (think flavored vitamins made with Spinach Extract).
9. Seeing all the sexy guys on shows like Hi-5 and Wiggles...let's not forget Boohbah!
10. Watching your kids pull the same crap that you did when you were a kid!!!!

Whew, that was more than I thought it would be...freakin top 10.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

The Comfort of Plastic Mattresses & Clorox

Luckily the last three days have only been a category 2 flu storm in our household. R and C threw up on different days and my son thankfully contained his vomit to the kitchen floor (wipeable) and his crib (washable). God knows how I'll handle vomit once the kids are on REAL beds. No more wiping down mattresses. Yet hopefully by that time they'll have the awareness to either run to the toilet or use a bucket. I remember the first time R ever had the flu...that was almost a parenting deal breaker. Though I do appreciate all my mom dealt with now.
I remember my mom telling me as a child that adults rarely get sick...so, I joyfully looked forward to that magic adulthood with little illness. AND I'M STILL WAITING!!!! On day four of this flu I got my turn. Unfortunately nobody can mother you when you're sick as well as your own mother. Mine is 500 miles away. There are days when I miss her, but when I'm sick my body cries for some nurturing of my own. Do husbands ever catch on to that nurturing need when their wives are sick. Whenever J is sick I do what any woman does and I nurture the hell out of him. Luckily we are all well as of today and I can venture out of my house that still smells a little sick.
Oh, I'm in an intensive an intensive 30 week therapy program through my church. We've only done the intro so far and I'm already all about everybody going through it. Here's the website and I'm sure I'll have more to say about it the further I get into it. www.desertstream.org

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Curse You Proverbs 31 Woman!!!!!!!

I have to make a movie recommendation: “I Heart Huckabees”. Talk about your surprising movie plot. I had no idea it was about the meaning of life when I turned it on…very timely for me. It always amazes me when movies can come so close to speaking truth…then turn left at the last second. I read about the lives of the actors in that movie and it amazes me that they can’t glean any truth from the characters they portray. Guess I do the same thing on a daily basis with what God puts in front of my eyes.
I also have a HUGE gripe with the diabolical and (oddly) ever popular “Proverbs 31” woman. I’m reading a book where the female author might as well be worshipping at the altar of that “woman” instead of God. It’s like friggin nails on a chalkboard…the author says, “…our wise Father calls you to be an ENTERPRISING HOMEMAKER and wife who adds TOUCHES OF BEAUTY to her home.” !!! That smacks of outward works only, as does all of the author’s points. Good money management, nice appearance, orderly housekeeping…all nice things but not the POINT of God’s plan and heart in my opinion. Here’s my real problem with the Proverbs 31 woman…she IS NOT actually a woman. If you read and study the book of Proverbs (or any book of the Bible) for any length of time you come to realize that each book has any overlying agenda and theme. In Proverbs that theme is wisdom. And how, dear students, is wisdom portrayed throughout the entire book? By a WOMAN!!!!! My sweet, well-meaning, stepford wife author of, “Beautiful In God’s Eyes,” please realize the error of your ways and stop pressuring women with this retarded notion of the perfect woman.
Can ya tell I’m a little heated about this? Any comments? Please share.

Monday, September 19, 2005

She Kicked It, I Couldn't Be Happier

My daughter R just entered preschool this fall and I'm already feeling the forshadowing of school years to come. Between my husband J playing soccer, R in school, my supposedly part-time job and all the church stuff that come with J's church position I'm about ready to burn my calendar and check into a nice, far away loony home. C'mon, I think overscheduled moms qualify as loony.

Never mind that this will continue until the very last week of October. Yikes! All that to say, J's grandma succumbed to cancer this last week and we had to fly to Nashville for the funeral. Normally this would've been reason lose my mind all over again because we have to stay with J's dad, stepwife, and two step siblings. Oddly I found the stress that normally encompasses these trips paling in comparison to my stressful schedule at home. So, for once, I'm thanking God that I had to go visit my father-in-law...will wonders never cease.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Hello Co-Dependency, My Old Friend

So, J is getting his Masters this year and is playing soccer for CCU as well. When all this was presented to us I thought surely it would be doable. After 2 weeks of 2 practices a day+work+team bonding+schoolwork I was about ready to throw in the proverbial towel. Enter c0-depedency, stage far left. I always I'm a Super Mom who can do all, see all, know all and still have time to do laundry. Yet, without J I'm realizing I lose a lot of emotional and, some would say, mental wind.
He has become my muse, my delight and caffeine. Hmmm...ATTACHED MUCH??!!! That being said I've been taking what little thinking time I've had to analyzing my leach-like behavior. Going from my ultra-controlled parental environment into marriage was great, but my mom was an enabling controller who rarely allowed me to make my own decisions or way. My jr and sr years of high school I found freedom within my cage, but I haven't been able to find my Self since that time. See, the Self has to adapt to marriage and kids, but mine disappeared and I haven't been able to call her back in the last four years. I have moved ever so slowly closer to embracing my Self again...now that I know she exists I'm starting to pursue her more diligently. Hopefully someday I can throw off cruel Co-Dependency and embrace my Self again. Blessings.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

So Arrest Me!

Barely has my blogging career started and I've already committed a faux pas. I HAVEN'T BLOGGED IN OVER A WEEK!!! No, please, stop crying you addicts I'll try harder, I promise. It's not like I haven't tried...twice my entries were accidently deleted in a freak blogging accident. (Who the hell coined that term anyway?) Frankly, I have lacked wit and sense for the last week so I really did everyone a favor (according to my comments section, no one's reading this anyway). It would have been full of PMS bitchiness that is extra bitchy in my case.
I have returned to being my damn witty self so full speed ahead on the blogging. Toodles!

Friday, August 12, 2005

Hallelujah, My Brain Lives!

Back in my pre-marriage days I was a fairly dedicated writer of music, poetry and random thoughts. I haven't had much time to do any creative/deep thinking since...oh, 4 FREAKIN YEARS AGO. I thought the brain matter that contained poetry songs had somehow died in the screaming of child birth (mine, not my kids). Imagine my surprise when I actually wrote and put music to a song chorus today. I used to get inspiration in the normal way...silence, natural beauty, teenage angst. Today I was giving my son a bath. As I sat on the floor watching him meticulously dump water from a cup to a bowl magic happened. My brain summoned up it's creativity and birthed music. Talk about a precious gift to me...I laughed at the novelty that I had not lost all awesome thought. Granted it wasn't my best work, but it definately inspired me to maybe try and pick up the ol guitar and pluck it a little. Blessings all.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Hi, I'm a bloggaholic

So it's taken all of two friggin weeks for me to become completely hooked on this stinkin new fad of blogging. I had my first "real" world conversation about bloggin today. I think I've crossed some kind've invisible line which will be very hard to cross back over. How long will it be before we actually do have therapy about blogging...it's day is coming.
On the positive side it's a great way for people to release pent up emotions and get in touch with their selves and other people. I loved writing in high school and I think I've just found my new outlet. Thank God for the invention of the computer!
I'd love to spew out lots of nothing for much longer, but J is wiped out from soccer practice and wants me to come to bed. Geez, men and children...no ability to go to sleep alone! Blessings

Monday, August 08, 2005

How many kids do you have??!!

Here is a problem I continue to face...and yet I have no answer. The problem of how many kids any one mother chooses to have. J and I decided last year that two is our (my physical and emotional) limit to the number of kids we should have. Because of my age, the midwife strongly expressed that tubal ligation IS NOT reversible. NO PROBLEM! I know that, for me, two is all I can handle...any more and I would be in a corner with my hands over my ears screaming, "Make the bad little people go away!"
But, for some reason, there's a huge number of moms who think that 4 kids is the ideal number for ALL moms. I totally admire and respect anyone who can raise and love in a sane manner more than 2 kids. But just because you can do it doesn't mean we all can.
I really think there are some women out there who are really gifted with kids and those who simply missed the mommy boat. By all means, if you don't think you can handle more kids think about stopping. There are also moms who probably shouldn't have had any kids to begin with. They are the ones who do spend most of their days in a corner screaming.
By no means am I telling you to get rid of your kids (necessarily), but consider establishing a net of people whom your kids can learn from and get love from if you're unable to cope. I don't think moms of olden times could've made it without a community of women (aunts, cousins, neighbors, grandparents) to help them raise their kids.

It's such a sad reality that in our modern day we have forgotten how to be a true community. No wonder so many of us set our kids in front of a TV or computer for hours on end. We, as sole caregivers, don't have a human to help us. Maybe parenting books and magazines should stop telling us that too much TV is bad and start teaching us how to be a better community. One of my dear friends L just moved a block away a couple months ago. We trade kids, meals, massages and more and I think we're both a little more sane because of it. Please don't abandon finding a close girlfriend just because you have kids. We need it.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

I have arrived

All I can say is that it's about bloody time I joined the world of blogging. Being a mom just makes you want to get things off your chest (sometimes literally!) and what better way to do that than on the internet.
Let me introduce myself with a brief life history (all 23 years worth). I grew up in Billings, MT...was tragically homeschooled until seventh grade (still have issues from that) and finally ended up in a publice high school. My parents were unbelievably strict folks and I broke free by eloping with J. That turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. In our 4 1/2 years have produced 2 cute kids, 5 trips to Turkey and one crazy adventure.
Blogging fascinates me because I was a ravenous journaler in my high school years. So, hopefully my rants may contribute positively to this big blogging world. Adieu