Friday, September 15, 2006

Here I Sit...

...crying out.
Trying to find
what You're all about.

As yet I don't know what to say,
as yet I don't know what to do.
But all will reveal Himself in time.

On the move once again. Place of rest #5 since May. Let me just say that moving 2 cars worth of stuff every couple of weeks really takes it out of a woman. Luckily the kids don't notice the stress that radiates off of me every moving day. Then there's the questioning of God I do more than I think I should; that combined with mourning over a lost food budget and comfort zone is enough to make me crack like a toddler faced with a three course veggie dinner.

When will it all slow down?? I don't know.

Oh yeah, I've also been informed that I've been a jerk about the whole situation. I've made some of my friends feel like I look down on them for their homes and food budgets and trips to the zoo. In reality I don't look down on them, it's just plain old jealousy rearing its ugly mug.
I've withdrawn from a lot of my friends because I'm ashamed and embarrassed of where God leads us, no one else seems to be traveling this road we're on right now. But, talking to some of the pastor's wives and other women in the body, they've been on this road long ago and have now walked on to different roads. Thank God that this may only last for 10 YEARS!

A new development on the spiritual attack front: Ruthie's innocence and character were attacked this week. It was one of those "playing doctor" situations that every mom probably will have, but never wants. It's hard to strike the right balance of making your kid understand that you love them and, "Please for the love of God always tell me when something like this happens!" You don't want to freak your 4 yr old out, but they need to grasp some of the seriousness of it. To complicate the situation the perpetrator of this incident is the older sibling of one of Ruthie's friend's....AT CHURCH! That means I have to see the other mother nearly every week in our church of only 100 people. Crap. The other mother asked her kids what happened and, of course, they denied it and she backs them up (I would too). I just hope that A) I can continue to respond to this mom as a fellow sister and B) her kids will fess up or get caught doing it again.

Went to a prayer night last night and had a "Nearness to God" experience. I've had the feeling of God surrounding me before, but this felt like He took over my whole body and I was the size of a newborn rocking in His arms. If I could sit there all the time I would.


Heather said...

Wow! What a wild ride you are on. I know that you feel like you are falling apart, but you are certainly an inspiration, your life is a testimony to me. And it's okay to fall apart, we are human. Your desire and willingness to follow God, wherever, however, He leads you is a testimony to me. Thank you.

Gette said...

I'll trade you my food budget for that "nearness to God" feeling. Please.